I have come to realize that every few months I decide to whip this out again and write about how depressing my life is to get attention. This time is no different.
No I won't take the time to update anyone on the past eight months of my life. I really don't care, and probably no one is even reading this so what would be the point?
Now that I am sitting here, this unfamiliar feeling is setting over me, the pressure to write, to vent, to create, and to somewhat entertain. If not to entertain others, than to entertain myself.
I can't help but think about how empty my life was before college. But on the other hand, maybe my life is much more empty now. The only friendships that I have of any real substance have blossomed throughout this past semester. Of course, my high school friendships were important, but obviously not important enough considering only two have survived the past several months.
School is hard and I am not good anything. Today I tried to learn how to play a song on the piano, actually I tried to make my golden child brother Miles teach me. Of course I was unsuccessful. It really sucks when the only thing you are good at is ... nothing? I can make a few people laugh, but that's only because I am extremely dry, sarcastic, and vulgar. Even this whole writing thing doesn't work out too well. I'm not very loving, at least I am not very good at showing it. I am artistically challenged, and athletically inept.
I just can't wait to get through the winter. It is the most depressing of the seasons and I hate it. That feeling comes around every year around this time. The feeling that there is absolutely nothing better than sit here and listen to "kill yourself" music and think morose thoughts about nothing.
school is over in seven days. i am depressed & thrilled at the same time. i really love life right now though. & i really love brian because he is my best friend. & brigid, and sarah, and kourtney. i am so happy to graduate with some amazing best friends. that i can actually trust & love. some people, well it sucks for them. but they are fake. & so are their friends. they will all soon realize that they have no one there for them. i am happy that i learned that & removed myself from that situation. because it was pretty close to happening. i like laughing & kissing. i like working at coldstone. i like spring air & iced tea. i like life. <3
today i was thinking about senior overnight retreat and how amazing it was, and how good it felt to cry with sixty of the most amazing people i will ever know. thinking about each of our individual stories i just want to break down and cry more. thinking about how united we were for those twenty four hours, and how much that night impacted my life. it is just starting to hit me that we are going to be graduating soon. i cannot fathom the thought of separating myself from these people. sure, i am closer to some than others, but i love each person in my class individually. i wish i could stay here forever sometimes. i just hope my classmates feel the same way about me as i feel about them, the deep love & respect that will never cease to exist. i hope i made them all laugh, or at least smile at one point. i hope that every single person remembers me the way i will remember them. i want to make these last few months amazing. soo, if you are in my class and i have never had a conversation with you... be prepared. =)
i am a failure. please do not contradict my conclusion, because i will prove you wrong. i realized that unless i truly pull myself together now i will never be anything but the funny sarcastic girl. ever. i don't take myself seriously, so why would i expect other people to take me seriously. i am sick of being a big joke. =/
i don't know, man. dion and i really bonded over tour and he helped me realize a lot about myself. and i realized a lot about him. he really is an amazing person. he is absolutely hilarious & he's really easy to talk to. i miss him already.
it also kind of hit me that soon i will not be with my friends. it is a crazy thing to think that soon i won't see brigid or chase or brian every single day. and that terrifies me. brigid will be three hours away, and that's so scary. i will miss her so much. i hope i like wayne state, and i hope i get a cool roomate. i am scared to go in blind =/
i fucking hate watching people make bad decisions. like when you know someone is making a dumb decision and they will regret it in the end... it makes me sad. and they don't listen to you when you try to tell them the mistake they are making. it sucks. =/ people are so fucking fake lately too. like i have just realized that there is absolutely NO ONE i can trust one hundred percent. not even Adam or Hadley or Brigid or Brian. Like I just can't. And my "friends" are all real and respectful to eachother it just makes me so mad. I don't fit in with anyone and i am miserable most of the time that i am with them, not because they are bad people -- but i can't relate to them. we are so different. we view life in such different perspectives. i just want to go to africa and teach children about AIDS. make an actual difference in this world. people are so superficial and don't care about anyone but themselves. it's depressing. sometimes i just want to punch people in their damn jaw and ask them what the hell they are ruining their life for. i wish everyone could see the beauty and love of god. and learn to appreciate all of the blessings we are given. life isn't all about having fun every second of it. their comes a time when it is necessary to deal with problems and think rationally. life is not about making bad decisions and laughing about it the next morning. our lives are important so we can change other's lives. God didn't create selfish human beings. he created us each with gifts to share with the world, so that each one of us could change the life of someone else.
YELLER TROOPERS! today was an interesting one. it began at 8:30 A.M. when i watched save the last dance with my now 11 year old seesstaaa. then i went to coney with my long lost best had head. we had a really annoying waitress who i wanted to punch the shit out of. then i almost got in 47284798 car accidents! heehehe SAFE! it was hadley's last day at the farm today. boohoo. i hate it there. and that bitch beth. i want to slice open her head. she's a meanie. but i'm holdin' up. then me, hadley, and the recently revived bananna in pajamas sat on my moms bed, devoured cookies, had staring contests, and imitated million buck looking troopers and brother bears. after that we met my dad at lil bucky's and then tailgated him home. butttttt, i decided to play the infamous car game by cutting in front of him and driving approximately 5 miles per hour. apparently i was impeding traffic because i was then pulled over by a cop. weird that the first time i EVER drive under the speed limit i get pulled over? & he literally thought i was intoxicated. WEIRD! anyway, thankfully he advised to save my playing for the playground and spared me 6 points on my license. but yeah, so we sabotaged a few relationships, broke a few laws, and of course quoted she's the man plenty of times=) i still miss brigid though. god love yah.<33
it is christmas. and my dad is playing some extremely obnoxious music.
i just watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants, and as usual, i bawled my eyes out. that movie is so good. it makes you realize the value of friendship and relationships in general.
i didn't really ask for anything this year, and yes, i did get some really sucky gifts... but i don't care.
my family and i went out to breakfast with sarah and her family yesterday. it was so nice. like old times. we havent done that in awhile & it was really cool. i miss sarah, and i am so happy that we are on good terms again. she is one of those people that i know will always be in my life. no matter what i can't get away from the girl, haha. i am very happy for her & her acceptance to Michigan.
the semester is almost over and it's going by way to fast. it is absolutely crazy to think that high school is almost over. i can't believe it. these four years have absolutely FLOWN by. it's sad. everyone is going to be so far away from eachother, it's weird to think that i won't be able to just call up my girls and hang out... everyone will be all over the damn country. wow.
i don't even have anything else to say, except that i am absolutely thankful for everything and everyone in my life at this moment in time. i don't want to keep getting older, and missing people. because as i get older i'm going to lose people either by death or distance... and i hate thinking that. even already... i wish i could stay in touch with everyone all the time. it's sad to think that sometimes you just have to let people go, and watch them walk out of your life without knowing that they are leaving for good. like, you don't know if you will ever see anyone again. maybe you will just lose touch.
i miss so many people, but i'm selfish in the fact that reuniting with old friends may interfere with the friendships i have now. like i might have to sacrifice seeing one of my good friends so i can reunite with someone that i don't see anymore=(
i hope everyone has a good christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate. be thankful for what you have & what you are given. love the people in your past, future, and present. <3
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